Sometimes i feel my anxiety is crippling. Sometimes i feel i can be so much more capable without it, and i shouldn't have been afraid of so much as a kid. i am better at many things than i think, but the past.. perhaps 17 years of results (not just academic, but in music etc) made me believe that i simply am not adequate. i just want to be better, have all this tension leave my body, and do things proper. For once.

The trip makes me worry, as much as I am really looking forward to it. I really hope I will learn to worry less. Last night I felt this deep insecurity consuming me, of needing to hug someone, to be assured that I am not alone in this world, that I will not lose the ones I love. I distance myself from people just to make sure I won't fall rock-bottom when i lose them. This is not rational but the emotions are real. These thoughts make me feel like a kid. To grow up is to get rid of this anxiety.